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I've only recently conceived my "low expectations equal increased enjoyment" hypothesis, but Eli Roth's second film has already got me thinking that I may need to replace it with a new one: "low expectations equal total lack of enjoyment". In truth, I think it's almost certainly not that clear cut: I need to at least factor in over-hyped, unproven directors and the presence of a "Quentin Tarantino Presents" claim on the promotional material.

Hostel is, apparently, part teen sex comedy, part horror film. In a way, it's trying to be From Dusk 'Till Dawn, but with sadists instead of vampires, and boobs instead of George Clooney. Sadly, it's neither funny, sexy, or terribly effective as a horror film. The most horrific thing here is that Eli Roth appears to have built a decent reputation after this and Cabin Fever. Before anyone mentions it, I should admit that I didn't mind Cabin Fever; it's far from the worst film I've ever seen, but in the grand scheme of things it's nothing special.

Roth lacks the maturity as a director and writer to pull this one off. Hostel is visually appealing, its eastern European setting is the real star here, and it would take a complete idiot to shoot in these locations (a nicely rustic village, and beautifully decrepit abandoned warehouse) and turn in a poor looking film. But Roth's direction and script are notable for their complete lack of tension or atmosphere. I really didn't care what happened to anyone in the film. There's no tangible sense of dread, and no feeling of being afraid of the next horrible event which might befall one of the characters. It's a fairly predictable film which I'm sure Roth, Tarantino, Harry Knowles and anybody else that claims to have been involved find hilarious. And I think it's this that puts me off - I get the impression that everyone was having too much of a laugh making the film to have actually put the effort into making it genuinely unsettling. I'm sure it's no coincidence that the way most Americans say "Hostel" results in a word that is phonetically identical to "Hostile". Oh, how clever Mr Roth.

And, disappointingly, we're back to accepting moronic plot twists and behaviours for another horror outing. Characters make altruistic decisions which don't make any sense in light of their previous form or present circumstances. Our comedy heroes are happy to take drugs out of a cute girl's mouth, but have to have their drink spiked by similarly cute girls in order to fall foul of those pesky villains. Sadists pay for the ability to anonymously act out their fantasies, yet they'll quite happily SMS photos of their victims in blatantly recognisable locations to the victim's friends - thus inviting further investigation. Sadists will pay more to torture an American (another idea which I'm sure caused Mr Roth to squeal with glee, basking in his obvious wit and cleverness). An army of trained, armed thugs can be evaded by a moronic American tourist with no previous counter-terrorist training. And, finally - and there's a spoiler coming just in case you don't like that sort of thing, skip to the next paragraph to deftly avoid it - our hero gets the chance to exact his revenge on every single person he needs to within the last 15 minutes of the film, including the chance to mow down three people at once who just happen to find themselves in the path of his car.

As for the gore - there's actually nothing terribly shocking on display here. The first time any real torture happens, Roth - in his nauseating "look Quentin, how clever am I?" style - does a Tarantino-esque pan away from the event in an obvious homage to Reservoir Dogs. At one point Roth uses the black-screen-because-character-is-wearing-a-blindfold-oooh-scarey-noises technique to massively dull effect. There's nothing here any regular horror viewer will find at all shocking, and I doubt there's much here for the average viewer either. There is one mildly effective scene involving a little eye horror, but this is ruined by a pretty poor looking prosthetic, and, once again, Roth's immaturity.

Perhaps I'm over-thinking all this, but everything is just so dumb and atmosphere-free that I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it. There are some positives though: One of the film's later scenes sees two previously attractive girls looking dreadful in the cold light of day, which I thought was a nice touch. And one of the torturers has an entertaining slice of screen time, doing a good job of conveying the perverse pleasure he's gleaning from the torture. It's just a shame he looks distractingly like Jasper Carrott. Given the character's ultimate fate - another of those "hilarious" bits of script that Roth and chums must be so proud of - it's perhaps fitting that he looks so much like a stand-up comedian.

At the end of the day this is probably a love it or hate it film - you'll either won't mind the gormless script, totally dislikable characters, and lack of any real substance - in which case you many enjoy it - or you won't. I'm fairly certain I don't need to tell you how I felt.