I noticed on Coming Soon that John Carpenter’s The Thing is going to be remade.
This makes me very angry. It seems that, systematically, every film I love is being remade. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn Of The Dead, The Hitcher, Near Dark, Black Christmas, The Wild Bunch (although that one’s gone quiet), and the list goes on. Nothing is sacred. If there’s money to be made, there’s no limit to what a studio will have remade.
Image a modern day remake of The Thing. I’ll give you a minute. Sit back, close your eyes, and try to visualise how this film would look if it were made today. Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Scores of terrible CGI monster effects, pretty, marketable stars that are incapable of conveying any emotion beyond confused, and a score that lacks any of the ominous tension of the original.
It shouldn’t be allowed. The producers claim to see this as “a companion piece” to Carpenter’s original. Why not just make a straight sequel – pick things up after Keith David and Kurt Russell have been left in the snow? Just film the Dark Horse comic from a few years ago. No; none of this is good enough – someone clearly thinks that the world needs another remake/reboot/revisualisation.
And yes, I know Carpenter’s original was a remake. So, surely logic dictates that, if Carpenter’s remake is as phenomenal as it is, then another remake could be just as phenomenal? Even more awesome than the film upon which it’s based? I think not.
Of course, there’s no director attached yet. No cast, no plot, no effects team. There might soon be an announcement that KNB will be doing the effects, there’ll be no CGI used on the film at any time, and that Neil Marshall is going to direct it. Or Christopher Smith. Or Carpenter himself.
They might say that Russell is coming back. That a fleet of magnificent actors will be taking part, in an effort to recreate the magnificent cast used by Carpenter. At which point, I might say “actually, this Thing – pun intended – might not be that bad after all”.
But I won’t. The prospect of a remake of the Thing upsets me more than the TCM remakes, the Dawn remake, and the Black Christmas remake combined. It’s a film I love; something I am genuinely in awe of every time I see it. Admittedly, I’m probably a John Carpenter fanboy – I’ve even defended Ghosts Of Mars in my time – but surely I’m not alone in holding The Thing in such high regard?
