Yes, “Ear Wick”.

Doesn’t sound nice, does it?

That’s what I’m currently enjoying – a wick, in my ear, to do some “wicking”.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had quite a nasty ear infection. Strictly speaking, I’ve had two nasty ears infections: one in each ear. Actually, if I’m to be 100% accurate, I’ve probably had about five ear infections as they’ve been bouncing back and forth. Regardless, it’s been unpleasant.

Thanks to a doctor who appears to enjoy a “hands off” approach to curing ear infections – and by this I don’t mean he amputates the bits at the ends of people’s arms – I ended up visiting the local hospital today so that the experts could have a look. The wonderful woman at the Ear, Nose, and Throat clinic at the Royal Infirmary has taken some steps to sort me out.

By which, I mean she inflicted quite a lot of pain on me, and has left me in more discomfort than I was prior to visiting her. But, as they say, no pain; no gain. After inserting some sort of ear-widening device, she proceeded to hoover all the nasty, infection-debris from my ears. This is a weird sensation – you can hear, and more alarmingly feel – bits of icky gubbins being forcibly extracted from your ears. She did this on both ears, using increasingly wider widening tools each time.

But I’d had this done before. It was fine: I knew what was coming, and in all honesty looked forward to it; once they’d been hoovered, I’d feel better, right?

Sadly, this time the infection was sufficiently nasty as to close up my left ear. This explained why I couldn’t hear very well. In order to combat this unhelpful closure, a wick was inserted into my ear. And by inserted, I mean rammed. Hard. And, as I said in an email to my boss following the experience, it hurt like a very hurty thing.

And there’s nothing like applying the prescribed drops into the ear, placing cotton wool neatly inside – as advised by the nice woman at the hospital: this would absorb the drops that I’d put in – and discovering that your ear is now bleeding, thanks to the forced insertion of said wick. Blood from the ears – particularly my blood, from my ears – is something I’m not particularly fond of.

Hopefully, thanks to the power of the wick, ear drops, and the human body’s ability to heal, I’m on the mend. An ear infection is a pretty minor thing to contend with in comparison to more dramatic and life-threatening ailments, but I thought I’d share my current predicament in the hope that someone finds it entertaining. And I’m sure some people will – you sick, sick individuals.