The Underdog Show

What a piece of car-crash television this was! And yet, strangely compelling.

I found myself unable to switch off, convinced that this was crap, and in direct violation of my recently imposed “I Will Not Watch Crap” policy.

It was a total wreck: a group of seemingly senile judges (including Peter Purves, of “Peter Purves Customer Service” fame) sat smiling absent-mindedly into the camera, while a group of “celebrities” tried to look like they knew what they were doing, with a set of dogs who’ve been hand-picked from various shelters.

It’s basically celebrity Crufts, with the canine equivalent of juvenile delinquents. And it’s the dogs that kept me watching. Much hilarity ensued after placing a plate full of doughnuts, cheese, and pie on a table, and asking the dogs to ponce about and perform tricks. A plate of munchies so grand would have no problem tempting my good self away from pretty much anything, let alone a group of dogs who’ve never known such sugary delicacies. And things got a bit nasty when staff tried to part one dog from a large block of cheese.

And so it all went horribly wrong: the dogs decided they couldn’t be bothered (they’d much rather eat doughnuts), the celebrities put on a brave face, and the judges waited calmly for someone to tell them where they were. Ideally in a very loud, purposeful voice; “YOU’RE ON THE TELLY, LOVE”.

Couple that with a very uncomfortable looking Julian Clary, and the prospect of each dog being adopted via viewers phoning in after the competition (I can only hope the profits go to a good doggy cause), and this was some of the worst TV I’ve seen in recent memory.

And yet, I watched every second of it. Weird.

Review: Torchwood - Episode 2: Day One

After the dark, rain drenched start of episode one, Torchwood’s second episode seems a strong contrast. There’s an atmosphere of happiness as Gwen and her boyfriend are out bowling and having a good time. Presumably, they’re celebrating Gwen’s transfer to “Special Ops”. Things are cut short when a meteor of some description strikes Cardiff, and Gwen receives a single word text message: Torchwood. Time to go to work.

Review: Torchwood - Episode 1: Everything Changes

It begins with a CSI style sweep over Cardiff, and a crime scene. There’s blood, a corpse, rain, forensics and the police.

Before anyone can do pretty much anything, they’re all cleared out. Torchwood, apparently, have told them to clear the area. Who are Torchwood? The attending officers are as in the dark as we, the audience, are. Special Ops, they say. As one welsh accented forensics officer says in the opening 5 minutes of Torchwood’s first ever episode - “There’s no procedure any more - it’s a f**king disgrace”. Thankfully, the episode isn’t.

Doctor Who: 2 - 5: Rise of the Cybermen

When the ninth Doctor encountered the last surviving Dalek in last season’s aptly named “Dalek”, the weight of their previous encounters was impressively tangible. Setting aside any complaints about sensitive Daleks getting in touch with their emotions, the reunion in the early stages of that episode was, for many, an event. The general consensus of opinion seems to be that it didn’t disappoint, either.

Sadly, I can’t help but think that the return of the Cybermen won’t be regarded as such a huge success. That’s not to say that this episode isn’t enjoyable enough but, perhaps in service to its two part nature, it feels terribly flimsy.

The episode starts in much the same way as last season’s “Boom Town”; an evil mastermind with a dastardly scheme eliminates a particularly troublesome scientist who’s intent of jeopardising said scheme by revealing it to the rest of the world. It’s a clichéd, unimpressive opening to an episode that should have had better. Disappointingly, the script doesn’t ever really move beyond such tired clichés.

There are one or two nice touches; the idea that every member of the populace would be equipped with an ear piece which acts as both a telecommunications device and a information link is a pleasing, if terribly heavy handed, dig at today’s mobile phone dependant culture. I just don’t think that they’d look that silly. The alternate universe, in which Zeppelins float above London and Rose’s father still exists is another nice touch, but somehow still doesn’t feel at all original. It does permit the ever impressive BBC techies to show off some more nice visual effects though.

The lack of originality is further demonstrated by Rose’s desire to (once again) reach out and touch her family, and the inclusion of alternate Earth versions of characters whose personalities are polar opposites to the ones we already know - complete with CGI effects to allow the same actor to appear in the same shot twice (just like Jean-Claude Van Damme in the “classic” Double Impact). Even our friendly neighbourhood mastermind is such a deeply hackneyed character that the whole episode feels like it’s just building up to the first dramatic appearance of the Cybermen.

Except, there’s no drama. We’ve already seen them. In this day and age, it’s virtually impossible to keep anything out of the eyes of the media, but when the BBC’s own TV guide Radio Times features a front page picture of the new-look Cybermen, does this episode’s dramatic ending actually have a chance of working?

Doctor Who: 2 - 4: The Girl in the Fireplace

Steven Moffat wasn't a writer I associated with Doctor Who. I enjoyed Coupling, but I couldn't quite grasp how writing a sit-com about the lives and loves of four friends qualified you to write an episode of Doctor Who. That said, Russel Davies' previous writing credits don't exactly scream "TIMELORD!" Despite my concerns, Moffat's two parter from last season (The Empty Child and The Doctor Dances) are possibly my favourite episodes from Ecclestone's stay in the Tardis. They're unsettling and edgy, even for an adult audience, and the performances and effects are superb across the board.

The Girl in the Fireplace, Moffat's only episode this season, is every bit as good as his last two episodes but in a totally different way. The whole episode is one lovely juxtaposition of science fiction and period drama; taking place in both eighteenth century France and several thousand years in the future. The concept is one which is so genuinely baffling that it shouldn't work. The two time periods are so diametrically opposed that any attempt at blending them should result in an unwatchable episode. And yet this is such a compelling hour of television.

The responsibility for the success of TGITF lies with three people. The first is Moffat; without his script, concept, and skill as a writer this episode would be a confusing, laughable mess. David Tennant and Sophia Myles complete the trio. Myles is delightful as Madame Du Pompadour, conveying every emotion with enthralling conviction. The chemistry between Myles and Tennant is electric, although this should come as no surprise - back in the real world, the two are apparently engaged. Speaking of Tennant: He has arrived! Finally I am totally convinced by his portrayal of The Doctor. I have no complaints with this episode at all; he owns the role here and I can only hope that he's equally superb in future episodes.

Mickey and Rose don't get a great deal to do here, but as a result this is the first episode where I don't really mind Mickey. Their fire-extinguisher/rifles appear to be silver painted rolls of cardboard, and surely qualify as some of the worst props yet seen in new Who?

The villains of the piece are a strange mix of good and bad. Beyond the first appearance, they aren't the scariest of Who creatures, although I suspect anyone with a fear of clowns will be terrified. They are well conceived though, and when their mask is removed, the work of the design team is a wonder to behold. Where can I get one of those mechanical heads?

Doctor Who: 2 - 3: School Reunion

It's important to remember that Doctor Who isn't just for adults. There's a great deal for adults to enjoy, that's always been the case, but this is television that's not exclusively aimed at us so-called grown ups. Quite the opposite in fact. School Reunion, by grown up standards, isn't that great.

But that's missing the point, surely? Episode three of the second series of new Who clearly has the children in mind; Anthony Head plays an evil head master in a school where something odd is going on, and the unpopular child ultimately becomes the hero and saves a school that's over-run by bat-like aliens. Is this not a classic children's adventure story? But there's unquestionably something for the adults too - Elisabeth Sladen returns as Sarah Jane, and K9 isn't far behind - a creation which surely today's audience of children will find laughably poor. But then, did anybody ever really think that K9 was anything but poor?

This is an episode with much to enjoy if you can disengage your brain: Anthony Head is magnificently over-the-top, munching on all the scenery he can stomach, and having a fantastic time into the bargain. He gets some delightfully crap lines ("Bad Dog!"), gets to run around screeching like a bat, and provides more than his fair share of giggles. While part of me still yearns for a Giles spin-off series (imagine the wondrous things that the combined might of Joss Whedon and Russel Davies could achieve) and finds parts like this to be beneath an actor of Head's calibre, I can't help but lap up any cheesy villain roles he takes. It's also nice to see Elisabeth Sladen back, even if Sarah Jane's part is a little underwritten. There's some nice companion banter between her and Rose, but that's really as far as it goes. Mickey makes a reappearance here too, and I've still not managed to warm to this character. There's just something about him that I can't overcome - perhaps it's the way we're supposed to accept that he's become some sort of master hacker since his early brush with The Doctor. Another nice Torchwood reference crops up during Mickey's scenes, a thread that's nowhere near as subtle as last season's Bad Wolf, but is nonetheless well executed. And K9 is back, sadly. Still, he provides the material for a fair few gags, and is on the receiving end of Head's aforementioned "Bad Dog" line, so I can tolerate his return.