The Hills Have Eyes 2

I didn’t expect a great deal from THHE2, but it surprised me: it’s a huge achievement.

Massive. Seriously uber-humongous. Mere words alone cannot express how huge an achievement this film is. This film has the honour of being the most tension free, uninvolving, yawn-inducing horror film I’ve ever seen. It’s not even like the Black Christmas remake (a film so bad I considered self harming as a more entertaining option after 30 minutes) in that it’s not absolutely terrible; it’s just such a complete non-entity.

The gore isn’t particularly well done: featuring more of the terrible cgi blood spurts that I loathed in 300, and some pretty crap prosthetics; the actors are all uninteresting, and lack the ability to build any emotional ties with the audience, and the cast don’t even look particularly attractive; the script is so flimsy I suspect Cravens Jnr and Snr could have knocked it together over a couple of beers one night, and is filled with the sort of cliches Craven’s Scream mercilessly taunted; and the whole thing lacks any undercurrent of dread or impending doom.

We’re basically introduced to a team of incompetent, obnoxious national guardsmen. They proceed to ponce about in the mountains for a bit, while bumpy headed mutants hop about above them. After a painfully dull 45 minutes - including the appearance of Nameless Scientist Dude #1 from within a chemical toilet - they start to get picked off. Hilariously, right after killing one bumpy headed mutant, Generic Female #2 wanders off behind a rock - without telling anyone - to urinate. Whilst trousers are firmly around ankles, another (yes, there are lots of them) bumpy headed mutant carries her off into his lair. Generic Female #1 insists that they can’t leave without her, and leads the rest of the team to their - if there’s any justice - doom. Curiously, Generic Female #2 still finds time to pull up her trousers. Come to think of it, even after being raped - a scene that some describe as shockingly violent/extreme/horrific/etc, but which is actually one of the least effective scenes of its type in any film I’ve ever seen - Generic Female #2 finds time to pull up and buckle her trousers.
The original film’s “normal people are capable of shocking violence too, you know?” subtext has been totally abandoned for the sequel, and while we’re spared any doggie flashbacks this time, it’s still a complete non-event in the history of horror.

More Pointless Remake News

Bloody Disgusting - which neatly sums up my thoughts on this - are reporting that Poltergeist is to be remade. If that wasn’t bad enough, In the shot for shot style that served Psycho so well. Repeat after me: what…is…the…point?

And good old Fango have an published interview with Bob Clark in which he talks about Black Christmas, in which he mentions the aforementioned Psycho remake. While he’s pleased that the upcoming Black Christmas remake isn’t a direct copy, it does sound like Morgan and Wong have totally missed the point of the original. And I can’t help but get the impression that Clark sounds somewhat disappointed with the result.

Abandon Hope

JoBlo have some more news on Johnny Depp’s role in the upcoming I Am Legend adaptation. And it ain’t good.

It seems that Matheson’s beautiful, original story is getting brutalised for its new incarnation, and won’t bear any resemblance to the novel. A prime example: The Cortman character - the part I originally thought Depp would play - won’t even exist in the film.

According to JoBlo, Depp and Smith will be a double team fighting dumb mutant vampire creatures that can’t even speak. Shouldn’t that be We Are Legend?

But it’s worse than that. The original title doesn’t even make sense if there’s more than one protagonist. And the final third of the book isn’t even possible given the changes they’ve made to the vampires.

I’m all for an action movie in which Depp and Smith fight vampires, but please don’t piss on a great story like Legend by doing another Omega Man. That said, it sounds like the God awful Omega Man was a more faithful adaptation than this will be.

Via FilmStalker.

Bean is The Hitcher

I can’t let this one go without commenting on it.

Over the last few days, various sites have reported that Sean Bean will be playing the Rutger Hauer part in the remake of The Hitcher. This has met with almost unanimous praise - I don’t think I’ve come across anybody who isn’t pleased with the decision.

So allow me to weigh in on this one, providing the internet with a much needed voice of reason: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOOOOOO!

Would everyone who thinks Sean Bean will ruin the Hitcher remake - which is a fundamentally bad idea anyway, find something crappy to remake; leave my classics alone, please - form an orderly queue here. Thank you.

The correct way…

…to approach a remake. This is exactly what I want from a remake: Don't give me a shot for shot version of the same film, give me something new based on the same concept. Cronenberg created one of the best examples of an excellent remake with his version of The Fly, and it sounds like Todd Lincoln had the right idea with his. Sadly, he signs off the Fango piece by saying that the studio would rather do a straight remake. Bad idea.