Review: Donkey Punch

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It is, quite simply, the most distasteful, depraved and nihilistic film I have ever had the misfortune to sit through. I freely confess that there were times I felt physically ill simply watching it. Certainly, I would have walked out long before the end had I not had to write about it.

Donkey Punch is the vilest film Ive ever seen, says AMANDA PLATELL | Mail Online.

If that’s not enough to harden the resolve of any horror fan to see a film, I don’t know what will. The Mail’s spectacularly point-missing review is an entertaining read for all the wrong reasons, so I thought I’d chime in with my thoughts.

The aforementioned Amanda Platell claims the film falls firmly into the “torture porn” category, and manages to cram in a mention of real life knife crime to prove her point. Apparently Donkey Punch:

has no redeeming features whatsoever. There is not a single shred of humanity, imagination or creativity detectable anywhere among its 99 long minutes.

And I’ll admit, it’s not the most original film in the world. It is, essentially, Dead Calm with a higher body count, and without Nicole Kidman or Billy Zane. But it’s a well shot, well acted Brit thriller and actually attempts to serve as something of a morality tale for today’s youth.

The story revolves around three girls from Leeds (one of which is played by the daughter of Beowulf himself, Ray Winstone) who, while on holiday in Majorca, hook up with the crew of a luxury yacht; a group of (mostly) posh British lads with sex and drugs on their minds.

The first third of the film plays out like a music video (which is perhaps unsurprising given director Olly Blackburn’s previous career), as the girls dance around, drink, and take drugs to the tune of various dance tracks.

When the yacht heads out to see, the crew decide to go swimming. Oddly, the girls all seem to have their swimwear, despite only nipping out for a night of clubbing.

After their dip, a brief discussion of various sex acts (one of which being the titular Donkey Punch) ensues, and things inevitably turn fruity as two of the girls head off down to the yacht’s master bedroom with three of the boys. During said fruitiness, one of the boys administers said violent sexual act with undesirably fatal effect.

Featured Reviews…

…has gone offline for a bit. Having seen how other themes are doing their featured posts these days, my way is a bit crap, frankly. So I’m ditched it for now, and it’ll resurface when I a) start regularly writing reviews again, and b) change the theme. Which is still coming soon…ish…ly.

A Belated New Year

Happy new year to you, dear reader. For it seems there are a few of you left, despite the fact that I’ve neglected this place for the last few months.

A recent check of my stats shows I’m still getting traffic, and I still have quite a few people reading my RSS Feed. So thank you for sticking with me; I’ll have some more content for you directly.

The new year will hopefully see increased activity at ITF towers. A new design is currently being feverishly worked on, which should launch soon. I say "feverishly" but I actually mean "during what little time I have to actually devote to such endeavours". And I say "soon" but I actually mean "when it’s done".

I owe you some reviews - most significantly Diary of the Dead. It’s coming. Having recently finished reading the excellent Book of the Dead, it’s given me a bit of a taste for writing up my reviews again. It also seems to have turned me back on to reading, so I’ve picked up a few Cormac McCarthy novels (The Road, No Country for Old Men, and Blood Meridian, just so you know) and will be posting my thoughts on those.

More soon people. Honest.

Movie Review: Yet Another 300 Review

aka I Didn’t Like 300!

Yes, I know world + dog has now reviewed this, but I don’t care

Let me shout this from the very top of the review, as the doomed king Leonidas and his Spartans are so fond of doing: I DIDN’T ENJOY 300!

There, I’ve said it. I can hide my controversial opinion no longer. An army of fans - enough to put the fear of God in old Xerxes himself - is no doubt marching this way even as I write this. My review comes a little late to the party thanks to my location (why does the UK get everything last?), and it’s easy to attack something that’s met with success in order to court controversy, or do something different; but I can’t help the fact that, for me, a large part of Zack Snyder’s creation doesn’t make for very entertaining cinema.

For the record: I’m a fan of the original graphic novel, and a fan of Frank Miller in general. I’m also a fan of Zack Snyder, given that he took on a terribly unpopular idea - remaking Dawn of the Dead - and produced a damn fine movie as a result. There are moments in Snyder’s zombie apocalypse that throb with a visceral ferocity, and I had high hopes for 300. But that’s always my curse: high hopes = low opinion.

A note to the reader: at this point things get a bit spoilery. I’m assuming that, by now, pretty much everyone’s seen 300. If you’ve not, I’d recommend stopping at this point and coming back when you’ve been to your local multiplex and made your own mind up. And with that out of the way…

There are so many things wrong with 300; so many irritating elements that detract from what could have been a glorious whole. The ferocity that existed within Dawn is, despite all the violence, missing from 300. Limbs are severed, blood is spilled, and many a beefcake is pierced by a Persian arrow. The problem is: none of it seems real, none of it makes an impact. It’s the overuse of CGI that’s largely to blame: you can’t make computer generated blood look the same way as real blood, it doesn’t stain the clothes and skin, it doesn’t splatter, it just sprays unenthusiastically, unsubstantially. It’s the same with severed limbs; prosthetics give a real sense of ouch when blade meets flesh, but the lightweight CGI limb removal in 300 just doesn’t hurt.